SATIRAN – Part 1: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Suffers in Silence

Reports are coming in now saying that Iranian President Mahmour Ahmadinejad was rushed to a hospital earlier this month following a sudden collapse during a meeting regarding the “false Zion regime” – known to the West as “Israel.” At first, doctors reported the early signs of cranial-rectal insertion syndrome, a rare yet devastating disorder – which may finally be included in the newest revision of the controversial DSM, to be released next year – that has left many suffering throughout the world. However, after the doctors operated, the diagnosis turned out to be far less complex, though no less hard to live with.

“He appears to have severe allergies,” the lead doctor said, “to responsibility. And this seems to be interacting with his chronic egoitus.” You may recognize the latter term from the recent public diagnosis of American celebrity and baldness denier Donal Trump, whose inflamed sense of self has lead some callous satirists to begin the “it gets fuller” campaign, referring explicitly to moustaches, but – as some people have suggested – subtly alluding to Trump’s thinning semblance of a comb-over. These careless people are belittling a serious matter that needs to be addressed with great sensitivity.

During a Q&A period at the meeting, following a brief presentation on how to brand Iran as a peaceful nation, Ahmadinejad was asked about the recent Onion article which he had previously used to argue that Americans support him, and that he’s very popular in the US. It was suggested that this is what triggered the egoitus episode, though this is still under investigation. If you are unfamiliar with the article, it was published on September 24, reproduced in full, here:

 According to the results of a Gallup poll released Monday, the overwhelming majority of rural white Americans said they would rather vote for Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad than U.S. president Barack Obama. “I like him better,” said West Virginia resident Dale Swiderski, who, along with 77 percent of rural Caucasian voters, confirmed he would much rather go to a baseball game or have a beer with Ahmadinejad, a man who has repeatedly denied the Holocaust and has had numerous political prisoners executed, than spend time with Obama. “He takes national defense seriously, and he’d never let some gay protesters tell him how to run his country like Obama does.” According to the same Gallup poll, 60 percent of rural whites said they at least respected that Ahmadinejad doesn’t try to hide the fact that he’s Muslim.

The Iranian news agency Fars reprinted the story word for word. This was a big embarrassment, for which they would later apologize – not in the least because it’s plagiarism, but because it was a satirical piece that was entirely fabricated.

As you can tell, satire seems to be an overly-used Western practice that makes little sense and deserves even less attention. So it was all the more impressive when Fars kept up its unwavering consistency in the face of such satire, saying “Although it does not justify our mistake, we do believe that if a free opinion poll is conducted in the US, a majority of Americans would prefer anyone outside the US political system to President Barack Obama and American statesmen.”

It takes a serious commitment to consistency to admit that you’re wrong about quoting an isolated fictional survey from a satirical fake news website, and then turn around and state that the information from that article is actually probably true, despite even admitting that all of it is fake. This is why Fars is Iran’s “leading independent news agency.” Need proof? Just see their website, where they say so. It’s because of this reputation that Fars can print things like controversial interviews with Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi – only controversial because it never actually happened, which is why Morsi is now suing Fars.

But with each honest mistake, a lesson is learned. And now, luckily, Fars knows better than to trust the Onion as a reputable source, which is why they did not believe the next satirical bait – an article published only two days later, entitled “Glowing Ahmadinejad: ‘I Am The Nuclear Weapon We’ve Been Building.'” Fool them once, Onion… shame on you. Fool them twice… well, you’re not going to fool them twice.

Luckily, the prognosis was good, and President Ahmadinejad’s health advisors report that he is “expected to make a full recovery,” after spending just one night in the hospital.

“Through careful coaching and boisterous anti-Semitic chanting,” the health advisor said, “we believe that he will regain his strength in just a few days to continue his work fucking up the Iranian economy and blaming it on the Jews.” This is referring to the recent parliamentary decision to inquire  about the current state of their economy, due to a petition by 77 Iranian lawmakers. Ahmadinejad must answer the summons this month.

One spokesperson for President Ahmadinejad (or more specifically, a spokesman, not a spokeswoman – because Iran is not particularly known for encouraging women to become educated or join the workforce) was quoted as saying that he believed the speedy recovery was “not because of Western medicine. It was simply the will of Allah.”

Iranian media has been reluctant to report on his hospitalization, but as soon as people learn that he suffers from a relatively debilitating condition over which he has no control, they will perhaps be more sensitive to him and his views, however culturally contrasting they may be to others’. Or to put it another way, when he gives speeches and presentations in public, he’s not wrong so much as there’s something wrong with him. And that’s something we can all understand.

Indeed, there’s something wrong with all of us, which makes him all the more relatable. So we hope that he doesn’t have to suffer in silence anymore. He needs to have his voice heard.

 

Part 2 will delve deeper into the political attitudes of President Ahmadinejad, giving him the voice he needs.

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